Funny Things Christians Say

Christians say the darndest things! In church, in a restaurant, in a Wal-Mart, we have all heard a Christian say at least one of the phrases listed below.

1. I’ll pray for you

Ordinarily, this isn’t a funny phrase, but say this to me when you see my on the shoulder lane fixing a flat tire on my car and you are guaranteed to get the side-eye. Now, Christians, don’t beat me up. I know that prayer works and God is good (all the time). And all the time, God is good. But while you’re praying for me could you at least help me fix my flat tire? Call Triple A so I won’t be on the shoulder lane for a long time at the mercies of Georgia’s speedy and un-pedestrian friendly drivers? Do something instead of leaving me at the side of the road talkin’ ’bout you headed to church to “Get your praise on!”

2. I am blessed and highly favored.

What does this mean exactly? Ok, you are doing well and God has been good to you. But what I really wanted to know was how you’re doing. How’s the family? How’s the job? How’s that ankle holding up after your flag football injury? “Blessed and higly favored” is not answering my question. Fellow Christian, all I’m looking for is one word (or two) to tell me the condition of your life right now – fine, blah, good, wonderful, it’s okay. But since you want to be all uppity, I’ll just smile, nod, and walk away, and ask someone else how they’re doing.

3. God told me to _____.

God told you to wear that lovely red sundress you have on today? God told you to marry the loser who’s already married with kids, does not endorse your religious beliefs, and can hardly support his own family yet alone you? No, sweetheart. God is speaking to you, but he is not telling you what you’re thinking. Admit it: you are wearing that dress because you want to. You didn’t do laundry and it was the only item that was hanging in your closet. You are in love with married man and want to spend your life with him. That’s you talking to you. Not God.

4. God is planning my wedding.

Huh? God came down from heaven to make phone calls to various venues in the Atlanta-area to find the best deal? He decided that you should walk down the aisle with tulips instead of daisies? And did he physically sit up all night with you tying little blue ribbons on your wedding invitations? No. He may have given you the ability to do these things. He gave you the strength to do these things, the patience to wait for that Special Someone. He definitely allowed things to happen to you so you can become a humbled bride and not a bridezilla. But he did not come down from heaven in some Seven jeans in a white tee, neglect his other duties, and other people to do the legwork in planning your wedding.

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