Relationships

The Bare Minimum

We’re all looking for our dream guy. I know I am. Once upon a time, I was waiting on Casanova, but he seems to be evading me. Finding a man who’s suave, opens the door, pulls out chairs, and refrains from cussing around me is no easy task. Nowadays, I’m not asking for much; I just need him to have the bare minimum. Even with this slight reduction in standards, the Bare Minimum Guy, he’s still hard to find. To all the fellas out there, please ask yourself the following questions before you even think about approaching me:

  1. Can you open the door for me instead of letting the door slam in my face as you walk through it?
  2. Can you offer to carry this heavy box up to my apartment? Haven’t you noticed that this box is practically bigger than me?
  3. When you approach me at a party, can you ask me to dance instead of creeping up from behind and groping me like you are some sort of animal?
  4. Can you call me when you say you’re going to call?
  5. Can you not offer to take me to a strip club on our first date? (Yes, y’all. A nice young “gentleman” offered to take me to a strip club for a date.)
  6. Can you actually plan the date?
  7. Can you have some sort of a 5 year plan, goal, or ambition that you are actively trying to pursue?
  8. Can you pick up your iPhone and call me instead of texting me a message the length of a paragraph?
  9. Can you be respectful enough not to call or text me after 11pm?
  10. Can you select some place other than a movie theatre for a first date? How are we going to get to know each other staring at a screen for 2 hours and stuffing our faces with popcorn?

All I’m asking is for the bare minimum, fellas. The bare minimum.

Ladies, is there anything else that you see missing from this list? Feel free to add them below in the comment section.

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4 thoughts on “The Bare Minimum”

  1. If he insists on taking you to a strip club anyway, at least make him buy you a lap dance. That’s way more gentlemanly than having to pay for it on your own, right?

    Actually, every time me and mine have gone to a strip club, he’s come home thinking I’m more beautiful than before. Sometimes being compared to a stripper is a good thing, tbh.

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