Independent Woman – A Double Edged Sword

This post was originally written on October 18, 2010 while I was living in Richmond, VA.  My living arrangements have changed since then, but the message is still the same.

Anyone who knows me will know how strongly I pride myself on being an Independent Woman. I have my own job; my own car; my own apartment; pay my own bills, on time and if there is something that I want, I pursuit it, passionately. At night, I got to bed at night satisfied and with a faint smile. Though exhausted, I always feel a sense of accomplishment. After all, I don’t need anyone to take care of me.

But what happens when my car breaks down? Or when I get a flat tire? Or a piece of furniture in my apartment needs to be fixed? What happens when I have to travel through questionable neighborhoods? Or when I just some company? Some companionship? Someone to laugh with? Share intimate secrets with? Or someone to give me a hug when my boss chews me out for the less-than-perfect report that I submitted?

Well this Independent Woman is not so independent during these moments. In fact, this Independent Woman is rather dependent. She needs someone to fix her car; change her flat tire, fix that broken bar stool in her apartment and travel with her through those dangerous neighborhoods. She needs someone to talk to; laugh with; accompany to her to dinner; and tell her that everything will be okay.

Face it: everyone needs someone to take care of them. And I think it’s important that the Independent Woman lets a potential boyfriend know that she’s not so independent. The whole I-Got-My-Life-Together-And-Don’t-Need-You act is actually male repellant. Men are not interested in the amount of degrees a woman has, the kind of car she drives and the fact that you really don’t “need” him financially. There are other attributes to play up when meeting men. Emphasize that charismatic personality; the fact that you enjoy theatre; the fact that you love spoken word and poetry, knowing all the words to your favorite pieces. Your interests, hobbies, personality (and of course looks) will attract men. As you get to know him, the fact that you are independent will come through, but it’s not something to brag about during your initial meeting.

I’ve never heard a man say to a lady (or a guy say to me, for that matter) “Gee, I like you because you are independent and you pay your own bills and you don’t need me.” Nope. Men are more likely to say, “I like you because you’re fun to be around and you know how to make me laugh.”

I am so sick of the media portraying Black Woman as lonely, angry and desperate. A recent video that has been posted all over Facebook and other social networking sites forced me to take a long took at myself and how I approach relationships. (See videohere.) And I am ashamed to admit that there was some truth to the video. I actually saw some of myself and Black girl friends in the clip. No wonder why some picky and inconsistent ladies are single! (I hate to say that; but it’s true.)

I don’t know why the media wants to pick on Black Woman so much, but I do know that some Independent Women should check themselves. Are you repelling potentially good men?


“I Chose Well”

Thank you everyone for the anniversary well wishes! After one year of marriage I know this much: 1) I chose well, and, 2) we couldn’t do it without ya’ll. – Facebook Friend

I would love to say these words to my husband, family, friends, and acquaintances with confidence one day, so I am picky about who I date. Although my previous relationships, flirtationships, friendships, or whatever you want to call them have not worked out, I am rest assured that one day that Special One will walk into my life. We’ll get married and one days these words will be applicable to me.

I look forward to that day.


Confession: I am extremely hard on myself.

Seriously.  If I am broken-hearted, I expect my wound to heal within 2 months. If a significant change occurs in my life such as job loss, relocation, end of a friendship or relationship, I expect myself to bounce back immediately, grin and bear it and never shed a tear. After all, crying is for babies and I am a NOT a baby. I am a SuperWoman. Heaven forbid that I make a mistake, for I am perfect. My parents boast about me; my friends look up to me. My brothers adore me. My enemies envy me. Mistakes are for losers. And I am not a loser; I am SuperWoman

SuperWomen don’t make mistakes. SuperWomen do not cry, and if they do cry they will never allow one to witness it. SuperWomen are not vulnerable; they don’t need a man. They will never allow themselves to be vulnerable and let a man know their most private thoughts, feelings, and insecurities. SuperWomen have all the answers. They never seek advice.

In fact, it’s difficult being a SuperWoman. Smiling when all you want to do is break down and cry. Listening to a friend’s problems when you feel you have no more energy to comfort or even sympathize with her issues.  Working hard day in and day out trying to prove that you are just as good as the next guy and girl. Showing men that you got yours, you are an Independent Woman. Paying your own bills on time, and buying what your male counterparts couldn’t even afford. Feeling embarrassed when you make a mistake and then feeling lonely because you feel that no one will relate to you.

After all, you didn’t think a SuperWoman could ever be (dare I say it?) weak.

Recently, life circumstances have brought me to the realization that I am not SuperWoman. I am, in fact, Human. Therefore, I am fully capable of doing the following:

  1. To fall in love and act a bit crazy
  2. To cry sometimes. To even let out that ugly cry. You know, the cry when tears and snot run down your face simultaneously. You gasp for air every few seconds. And just when you finished letting it all out, you start hiccuping. Y’all know what I”m talking about?
  3. To be lonely and want someone to hold me
  4. To not be able to do it all and please everyone in my life
  5. To say “no” to a request
  6. To ask for help or seek advice when I don’t have all the answers
  7. To make the same mistake twice
  8. To hang on to something that I know I should let go.

I used to think I wouldn’t fall in love and act like BOZO like some people who are walking around me with ogling eyes. Boy, who was I kidding?

And you know what the most surprising epiphany after all these experiences was? It is OK to be human.