Tag: Men

What To Consider Before Asking A Couple When They Are Getting Married

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My boyfriend and I are approaching our 2 year anniversary and I just turned 30 years old. I understand why so many relatives and friends are becoming increasingly more curious about when will tie the knot.  As my elder no-nonsense cousin so eloquently stated during the early stages of my boyfriend and my relationship, “You’re not 19. What are his intentions?” It’s a valid question for me to consider.

I believe people are asking from a sincere place. They genuinely want me to be happy and they believe that marriage is one way to achieve happiness. They also want to make sure that I do it fast before time runs out and I can no longer give birth to babies. Many unmarried women in their mid-forties, who were focused on their career in their early thirties, regret the fact that they did not settle down earlier. Perhaps they want to ensure that I do not make the same mistake.

I get it.

But what I don’t understand is how some people feel the need to pressure you into making such a huge decision. We all know what pressure sounds like from our loved ones:

  • When are you getting married? (asked each time you see her/him)
  • When will I have a grandchild?
  • My son needs a playmate. Please tell me you’re going to have children next year.
  • You’re not getting any younger. You don’t want a high-risk pregnancy, do you?

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How To Identify The Relationship With No Happy Ending

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No Happy Ending
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Recently, my friend mentioned to me that she was done with relationships that are “long stories.”  We all have friends who answer to questions about their boyfriend with a statement that begins, “Girl, let me tell you what happened yesterday!” Then, she proceeds to tell her version of a long story. The story can include a plethora of events, mostly ones featuring her boyfriend behaving badly. She may mention that she caught a questionable text message in his phone; he hasn’t been home for the past two nights or that fact that she caught him in a lie. Long stories, according to my friend’s experience, never end well. Her advice: leave any man that gives you a long story and move on.

After she made her statement, I was trying to play devil’s advocate. I thought about my friends who are in relationships. Did any of them have a long story? I remembered a friend who got married recently. Her story was long until she became fed up with his foolishness and broke off the relationship. He changed and now, they are happily married.Read More »

Street Harassment Is Life Threatening

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Street HarassmentSomeone had to do it.

Shoshana Roberts, a 29-year old actress residing in New York City, recorded an experiment on street harassment. She installed a hidden camera and had it record 10 hours of her walking the streets of Manhattan.  She experienced everything from the casual “what’s up,” to the more threatening act of being followed for several minutes by numerous men. She did not respond to any of these comments, maintaining her composure, a straight face, and avoiding eye contact, yet the comments continued. In a matter of 10 hours, she experienced 108 catcalls from men of different racial backgrounds.

As I watched Shoshana’s video, I remember my own experiences of being catcalled. Although I have been harassed on numerous occasions, I vividly remember one that was the most threatening to me. I was a sophomore at Spelman College at the time and meeting friends across campus one Friday evening. A man in a car with three other men approached me in a Black SUV. “Hey,” he said as he was driving alongside me.Read More »

The Man That Got Away

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The Man That Got AwayOkay, so I am the only one of my friends who is unmarried. Wait, God. Did I miss something? Maybe it’s the guy who sat next to me in church 3 months ago? The one with the nice smile and straight teeth. The one who made it a point to greet me during tithes and offering and make remarks about the message to me. The one who asked for my number so we can have Bible study but for some strange reason, I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and turned him down?

Waiting for your special someone is not an easy feat. Let me tell you.

Last weekend, I met a guy who made my skin crawl. Needless to say, a date with him will not be on the agenda in the near future. Given this, I still find myself stressing about why I am not meeting anyone. I have tried everything. I have read all the relationship blogs. I go out; I meet people; I’ve even joined an online dating site. Nothing is happening.

If there is anything that life has taught me in the past 20-something years is that the best things come easy and in its own time. There is no need to force a relationship or meeting the right one. Perhaps I am not meeting anyone because today is not the right day.

My guy is wherever he is getting prepared for that day when I will walk into his life. And what am I doing? Worrying. What if I missed him?Read More »

What They Didn’t Tell Me About Being In A Relationship

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S&T Healthy Relationship

No one told me it was going to be this way.

Not that this is a bad way; it’s just that no one really tells you about some of the ups and downs that you’ll experience in your first real relationship. Your annoying friend who is always making updates about your relationship status on Facebook and Twitter forgot to mention a few things.

I am in a relationship now and here are 8 things no one ever told me about being in a relationship.

1. You will feel like you have split personalities.

Before He came along, I was an interesting person with an array of interests. Spoken word, apple picking, dancing, kickboxing, traveling and blogging were all part of my life. I spent a lot of my free time with friends and family. But now, I’m in a relationship, trying to balance spending time with him and spending time with friends, family, and myself. I’m trying to keep my commitments to all birthday parties, housewarming extravaganzas, weddings, and every other social outing. I’m trying to keep church commitments, attend family events, spend quality time with the family, and act like my new “friend” will not subtract the time I spend with the closest people in my life.  I’m trying to blog regularly, exercise regularly, spend adequate time on my personal and professional development, and enjoy my precious “me” time. I am trying to act like a single person in a relationship and can we say exhausting? I literally feel like I have split personalities!

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I Ain’t Sayin I’m A Gold Digger…

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Along with dozens of other qualities I desire in a lifetime partner, his potential to make money, his current income, his beliefs and money practices have been recently added to the list.

This is a huge deal to me, for I always endorsed the fantasy that all I needed is love in a relationship in order for it to work. Nowadays, I believe money plays a more important role in relationships than I ever thought it would. Money is necessary for the basic things we need: shelter, food, water, and clothing. If a woman is dating a man who doesn’t have money, guess who will be spending money each time they go out. That’s right, she will. So, a woman’s decision to date a man who doesn’t have money affects her pocketbook.

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Vex Money: When My Date Left Me with the Check

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4977519058_a4c20f8942_zVIP admission at the premier dance club in Abuja, Nigeria, mixing and mingling with Naija (Nigerian) celebrities, and posh 5-star hotels: I was living the good life.

The guy and I met through a mutual friend during my stay in Abuja. A socialite, he was pretty popular around town; held prestigious job title at a well-known company, and had that “it” factor that would attract any woman.

Time spent with him was always something to look forward to. He had a good sense of humor and a charming personality. I had only been in Abuja for 4 weeks but he was becoming a good friend.

Besides his personality, I enjoyed the fact that when we were together, I always had a good time.  He granted me VIP admission in Abuja’s nightclubs, introduced me to local celebrities, and treated me to meals at the nicest restaurants in town.

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Marriage: Because The Beat Stops at 30

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Marriage Because The Beat StopsA few weeks ago, friend of mine IMed me in a frantic. “Do you have a moment? I need to talk.”

I finished whatever I was doing and IMed her back, “I’m all ears. What’s up?”

I will be 29 next week. Can you believe it? She writes. I am nowhere near married!

My friend is a beautiful woman with a high-paying job in corporate America. She lives in a nice condo in the posh side of Atlanta and drives a luxurious vehicle that her father gave her as Christmas present when she relocated to Atlanta from Boston 3 years ago. She’s got it all – volunteers each Wednesday at a local school, travels each year to an exotic country, and is heavily involved in various professional associations in her field.

“My life is not going as I planned. My boyfriend and I broke up six months ago. I don’t think we’ll get back together. And even if I meet someone next week, I still won’t have enough time to plan a wedding and get married before next March.”

“I hear you. Marriage at 30 has been your dream and now, you don’t think it will happen.” I typed.

“Yes!” She wrote.

We IMed back and forth for the next hour and a half until she got called away from her desk and had to get back to work.

While I understood my friend’s sentiments, I did not feel as pressed about getting married by age 30 as she does. Sure she’s one year older than me. I may feel like her when I’m her age; but I doubt it. Here’s why:

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For The Man Who Says He’s Not Intimidated (Part 2)

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I really hate when women say guys are intimidated because none are. What we are at times is deeply overawed & impressed by your degrees, attitude, classiness, and achievements. What we are at times is fearful that you’ll be the stereotypical feminist/ I cant wait to out perform a man…as if there was a competition. What we really fear is that while you’ve accomplished things like good credit, career, degrees, and a home that you’ll still miserably fail to respect me as a man.

– Male S&T Reader

 

For The Man Who Says He’s Not Intimidated (Part I) inspired an incredible discussion in my comment section. Thank you to all those who commented. I have not forgotten you. In fact, my plan is respond to your comments when I can.

Now on to the purpose of Part 2. I wanted to discuss this in Part 1, but I did not want to elongate the post or depart from my initial message.

What I failed to tell you is that one year following the guy and my last date, he sent me a text message. We hadn’t been in contact previously, so it was a bit of a surprise for me to hear from him. The first text was pretty simple; he just wanted to know how I was doing. But the second text, where he told me how he was doing, put a smile to my face. It read:Read More »

A Funny Double-Blind Date Story

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“Yaa, get dressed and be at my place in an hour. We’re going on a blind double date.”

My homegirl lived 45 minutes away, so I barely had enough time to get dolled up. I grabbed my red overnight suitcase in my closet, threw my cutest clothes in it, brushed my hair, grabbed a toothbrush, and some perfume and ran out the door.

I was getting dressed at her place when my homegirl updated me on our dates, “They’re about 27 and I think they work in accounting and IT. My date and your date are best friends. I met my date on a social networking website, so I haven’t officially met him yet.”

I was excited and nervous at the same time. I knew that the evening would end up being a funny story. I climbed in my homegirl’s car and we drove to meet the guys at a restaurant about 5 minutes away. “Hurry, Yaa,” she said as we rushing out the door, “They’re already there.”Read More »

He Pays/She Pays: A Recovering Independent Woman’s View on Going 50/50

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When he said he wanted to go 50/50, I knew that this would be the last time I’d ever see him again. – A Girl Friend

If she had said this to me two years ago, I would not have hesitated to challenge her with an eloquent argument about how going 50/50 is the best way to handle dating and relationships in general. In those days, I believed that Independent Woman should rise together and send men the message that we don’t need them. We can take care of ourselves. Slowly, I am recovering from this wayward way of thinking, so when she uttered these words, I simply nodded in agreement.

Like anything else in my life, I had to undergo a few tough experiences before I transformed my way of thinking. Although there may have been dozens of other situations that may occurred in my life that helped me re-evaluate whether to go dutch, these three scenarios listed below are the ones that are most memorable.

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A Man’s New Pick-Up Line

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OK, men, I get it. Her beauty puts you at a loss for words. Her presence may even put you on edge: you stutter when you’re suppose to talk smoothly. You stare when you’re supposed to smile cooly. You offer a girly giggle when you’re suppose to flash one of your mysterious smirks.  You are nervous when that beautiful woman crosses your path. But why does that anxiety make a woman regret giving you a millisecond of their time? Let me explain.Read More »