Ladies, a word of advice for when you are being pestered by a man you are not interested in. Tell him you’ll never sleep with him. Trust me, you’ll never hear from him again.
“Hey, how do you know this?,” You’re probably asking me. Well, I once used this line on a boy I was talking to, and afterwards, he stopped calling, texting, and facebooking me. It was almost as if he dropped off planet earth.
The Boy and I met at a social gathering in Atlanta. He was nice, asked me to dance, we talked the entire evening, and exchanged numbers at the end of the night. The conversation was excellent; he made me laugh and he met my Bare Minimum requirements. After several 2-hour phone conversations and over 250 text messages exchanged in 2 weeks, we finally went on our first date. The feeling was mutual; we were really interested in each other and wanted to get to know one another better. The only thing I didn’t like about the Boy was that he consistently made subtle hints to sex. Usually, I would switch the topic when he’d make a comment or I’d tell him I had to get off the phone. His comments were so frequent that I poked fun of him about it. See our conversation below during dinner:
Me: I was a little hesitant to talk to you initially. Men can be so occupied with the booty and not relationship minded, but when you told me you wanted to get to know me and pursue a relationship with me, I said “hmm maybe this guy is different.”
Him: Yeah, I’m a little different in that regard. Don’t get me wrong, I do want the booty, but I’d like a relationship as well.
Me: (Chuckles) The booty. Sheesh. So if I gave you the booty right now, would you take it.
Him: YEAH! I’d take it. (Starts pushing out his chair.)
Me: See! That’s something about men I’lll never understand (shaking my head)
We both laughed and I even teased him throughout the remainder of our time together. He had a good sense of humor, so he laughed at my jokes too. After our date, we made plans to attend a concert together the following weekend. I was thrilled with the way things were going until one day, I discovered the following text message in my phone, “How about we stay in a hotel after the concert we go to on Friday night?” I felt my temperature rising, and was about to give him a piece of my mind, but my phone rang. I answered and heard the calm and jovial voice of my best friend, “Hey,” she said, “What’s up?!” I told her what had just happened and she laughed. Like me, she was shocked by his text message, but unlike me, she did not make it a big deal. She convinced me to relax and gently tell him I did not want to spend the night with him in a hotel.
I agreed with my friend’s advice and casually responded to his text, “Haha no hotel.”
But even after that brief text message exchange, I still felt a bit uneasy about the Boy. I spoke with one of my favorite male cousins about what had just happened. He suggested that I tell him my stance on sex, “Just ask him a hypothetical question, ‘What would you do if I told you I was celibate?.’ See how he responds. It’s best to get everything out in the open up front.”
I reluctantly agreed and decided to tell the Boy how I felt about sex. He called me one evening while I was waiting for my niece to finish her dance class. He (of course) made a slight comment about sex and I took the bait. I laughed and asked him casually, “How would you feel if I told you I’d like to wait?” Being the comedian he was, he cracked a joke. I chuckled and in an even tone, I told him that I wasn’t perfect but my goal was to wait until marriage. I also mentioned that I liked dating men who respected my decision.
Silence took over our conversation. In our brief time of knowing each other, silence had never been introduced into any of our conversations, yet here it was and it stayed for what seemed like an eternity for me.
“Hello?” I said, for it had been so long since he had said anything, I thought we had been disconnected.
“Yaa Yaa,” he started, “We could be great friends, but I cannot remain celibate until marriage.”
Whenever a woman is rejected, her body always responds. She may feel a lump growing in her throat. Her knees may even buckle a bit. And she may even feel a hint of shock, almost as if the the rejection were apart of a bad dream. I felt all of these sensations occurring at the same time. And it was a little overwhelming.
“Okay,” I said, “That’s cool.”
We made light of the conversation. I told him how he had given me some material to post on my blog. I even thanked him for his honesty. I tried my best to sound like everything is cool, but deep down inside, I was very disappointed.
Although the Boy did not turn out to be who I had hoped, I was ready to be his friend. Weeks later, I was crushed when I realized that he was not serious about being my friend. He didn’t return any of my phone calls, text messages, and voicemails. He was completely avoiding me and cancelled dates that we had scheduled.
It was a painful realization to learn that the “C” word (celibacy) was instant male repellant. Why hadn’t I used this line 4 years ago on another boy who pursued me relentlessly for one year? It would have saved me so much time! (Sigh)
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Scribbles & Tostitos 
This is a great topic as most celibate women go through this challenge. That pain you go through when they tell you “I am sorry, but I can’t wait until marriage” is so devastating. Unlike you, I learned the trick few years ago that one of the best male sifters I could use was the “No sex before marriage” line. Not necessarily because I am celibate but because I want to know who wants me for who I am, who is willing to wait until I am ready, and not someone who just wants to hit that bootie. It has helped me tremendously as most of the guys were quickly backing off. It hurts so much because they were some I really hoped could wait because I truly cared for, and just because I didn’t want sex they did not want to go further in their endeavors of dating me. How I cope with that? I am better than that, I am a wonderful woman, I am intelligent, I am fine, I know my values, and if you really don’t want to be with me because I am not ready for sex, then you are not worth my time, so thank you for packing your load and continuing your chase somewhere else 🙂
Something to think to about here… We meet guys all the time, school, work, coffee shops, bookstores, bars, clubs, name it. If I was to have sex with a guy after a date or two, and find out another month or two later that he is a total jerk or things are not working out, do you know how many guys I would have had sex with by age 30? It will be a scary number I don’t even want to think about and I have got to prevent that. So I do not surrender to their shenanigans about them not being able to wait until marriage. If you really want that bootie, put a ring on it or at least act right, be a good man, and may be down the line I can decide to give in if I truly believe you are “the one”. Let’s be patient, have that conversation early before we get too attached, and always do what is best for us. We are worth a whole lot more than that!
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I totally agree, Lala! This situation occurred one year ago and the title of this post was going to be “CAUTION: Dating While Celibate.” In it, I was going to discuss some of the benefits of waiting. You are right: it saves you a whole lot of time The men that stuck by me after I told them that I was celibate truly cared about and respected me. They have been amazing friends to me too. Celibacy has a good way of weeding out the not-so-good guys.
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love this post! this was totally my experience when i was single. the news of no panties before matrimony sent many of my dates into oblivion. LOL out of all the guys i dated there were only two who celebrated the fact that i was waiting until marriage and were also celibate themselves. and i married one of them. 🙂 it made a big difference dating someone who was waiting himself versus dating a guy who liked me but didn’t think waiting until marriage was necessary. glad you are back blogging and that you are blogging about this!
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Thanks for your comment. Two? Lol, that’s great! I guess it is normal to having dated a couple of men who were okay with celibacy.
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Cheers to you, don’t fret, these types of guys are doing you a service. They are not worthy of your time or attention. Stay strong!
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This was really good. It was honest. It was raw. And it also helped me to realize that women have it right….and wrong at the same time. lol. Let me explain from my 32 of Mandom. lol
I’m a Christian. Ive been one since about 10. Of course I know God wants me to wait until I meet my wife but I think it takes a lot of serious intention to not have sex in this modern day overly sexualized culture. I think it takes even more intentionality from men in a way because the curve of a BMW does the same thing for us as a well sculpted booty….it excites something in is. Im sorry your guy wasnt ready for you but trust me. You affected him. When he matures he’ll look back and thank you one day………
And I said you were “right” because you clearly have a standard and dont want to break that for anyone. That ALONE will probably guarantee you a good man and hubby. Seriously. Women give it up half the time just because you show a little attention. I think men and women are having some massive self esteem issues. I tell women all the time that the best thing they can do is NOT give it up if they want real love. And of course that puts a lot of pressure on the women but I talk to men about it too. The difference? Very few men actually want to be abstain from sex for religious reasons.
I was abstinate for a few years in my 20’s and was FOCUSED but as soon as I started dating….crash. I felt bad. I prayed about it. I went over her house again….crash. I prayed about it. I felt bad. I went over her house again…crash. lol. You get my point.
I fully believe having honest and open conversations early is HEALTHY. The last woman I dated I told on day one that I wasnt having sex with her. I told her I didnt want to….but of course I wanted too. I probably said that too knowing me. But thats where it gets tricky. You should want a man to be attracted to you physically. I cant see your heart at the inception. I see your face, accessories, shoes, smile, and can smell your perfume. I dont think he was instantly a bad guy because he said something about booty. He’s a man. Sometimes I think women can expect too much and especially from “perceived” good guys.
My only quandary out of all this is why would you expect him to be your friend? Its not like you guys knew each other from a social network or had previous friendship. Most men cant really be friends with women. We normally are because we arent attracted to you one bit, youre a friend of someone else we’re connected to, or you just have a bad attitude/breath and we dont want to be around you. Platonic friends requires true maturity and a healthy perspective. I dont think Ive made healthy friendships with women for most of my life. I have some good friends but I could have done better. Thank God for wisdom.
At the end of the day you met a guy from a spark of interest. Cool But you didnt match up. Cool. Dont be discouraged or blink. Just know that better is coming. And please keep the repellent spray on. Itll save you heartache but will require some patience from you. Peace.
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Haha, oh Noble, lol. This comment is why 3-hour road trips are so much fun!
Your question about why I thought he could be my friend, well why not? We were compatible, had common interests. I thought a friendship could work. But now that I see your point, (lol).
So when are you starting your own blog??
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It’s coming..lol. Id probably end up zoning out and writing a book instead of a blog. And YES, 3 hour road trips are fun! haha. Great post. Thanks for sharing my friend.
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Great post, girl! Keep it up–the blogging and the standards! Miss you! -Monita
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