How I Coped With The Torture Of A 4-Year Long Distance Relationship

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people who are experiencing good fortune in life claim that they knew exactly how it happened.

You’ve met them. They have the perfect job with the perfect boyfriend and the perfect home. They’ll boastfully tell you how they did it. They’ll tell you how they earned a bachelor’s degree in finance. Then, they completed an internship at Eli and Lilly.  Since they were the “best intern,” they were offered a full-time job as an analyst. “All you gotta do,” they say, “is network and get a great internship.”

They have the same attitude about how they got a man. “Wear pink lipstick and red nail polish,” they say. Men love that.”

They have all the answers. Meanwhile, you’re over here networking and applying to thousands of internships and nothing happens. You’re working a minimum wage job with laughable benefits, a degree that you have no clue what to do with, and a boyfriend who hasn’t worked in 4 years. Read More »

My Husband Was Not What I Wanted

Do you ever look at your significant other and think, “How did I ever fall for you?”

I do.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and I have my moments where this thought crosses my mind. Now, don’t get it twisted. I love him and all, but it amazes me how different he is from what I thought I wanted in a man. He differs from the qualities I had itemized on my list.

You know, the list. The list women make of qualities they want in a man. I started my list at age 16. Then, added to it as I got older.

By the time I was 27, my list looked like this:

Purple Brush Strokes Packing List

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My Fear of Becoming THAT Married Woman

 

Would you like to hear my secret?

I’m afraid of becoming THAT married woman.

What do I mean by THAT married woman?

I am so happy you asked.

She is boastful, too busy, and is unable to relate to her single friends. Married women behave as though a bug has injected them with an inflated ego, causing them to be extremely obnoxious to others, especially singles. I’ll explain.Read More »

My Wedding Vows

Hey S&T! I’m a newlywed! My wedding was in August. Ceremony and reception were both beautiful. The best part is that I married the man of my dreams. My wedding vows are written below:

You are my favorite person. Kind-hearted, brilliant and driven. Considerate and encouraging. Wise and positive.

You have changed me. You’ve changed my perspective. Your companionship has made me bolder, more confident and fearless. The way you sacrifice on my behalf is awesome. I am grateful that no matter how much pushback I gave you back when we met, you persisted.Read More »

On The Time Bullying Was A Good Thing

The radio can be a bully. How many times has a song played on the radio and you didn’t like, so you flipped to the next station that was playing the same song? No matter what station you found yourself listening to, the song was always on the radio. It was as if the radio is telling you, “I don’t care what you do, but you are going to like this song. I am going to force you to like this song.” This is precisely what happened between me and my local radio stations. But, a positive outcome occurred. I began to appreciate the words from the seemingly ubiquitous pop song, “Love Myself” by Hailee Steinfield. The song so closely reflects the message of this blog and I couldn’t resist posting.

The lyrics reflect a woman’s dedication to loving herself, and putting herself first. (There is a bit of a sexual undertone in the lyrics, but we’ll ignore that.)

It is the type of song I could imagine a woman listening to after experiencing a break up from her boyfriend. You know how women go into their post-breakup rants about how they could do better all by themselves? They don’t need a man. Yep, this is the song you’ll find on their Spotify playlist. But, this song is not only suited for post-breakups, this song could be applied to women in relationships too.

For the woman in a relationship, it is easy to forget to take care of yourself. It’s easy to forget to exercise, eat healthy foods, and to do the things you did before he entered your life. It’s also easy to forget to take time out for yourself and do the things you enjoy doing. Life can become hectic when you’re sharing it with someone else, so taking a step back and chanting to yourself, I love me, is a must.

Thanks, Hailee, for your self-empowering debut single. Hopefully, we’ll continue to see you on the Top 40 Billboard Chart.

Love,

Me

 

My First Boyfriend

I had my first “boyfriend” in kindergarten. I’ve place boyfriend in quotation marks here because I chuckle at how simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationships were in my childhood days. Feelings and commitment were foreign to me. My peers and I changed our boyfriends like we changes our socks. Boyfriends were only something we had in order to have something to talk about on the playground during recess.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” my classmate asked me one day on the playground. “No,” I said, “do you?”

Of course, my classmate responded as if I were an idiot to ask. I was a shy five year-old, but wondered to myself how I too can get a boyfriend. I started thinking about all the boys in my class. This one particular boy named, Carl, sat next to me in class. He was always so nice to me. He’d share his crayons with me in class and offer to help me with my arts in crafts. I liked Carl. He could be my boyfriend.Read More »

Dating In Your 30’s Vs Dating In Your 20’s

You can always tell a woman’s age by her attitude towards relationships. Women in their 20’s are constantly second-guessing themselves; worrying about maintaining their crush’s interest, and obsessing about how cute or athletic their beau is. Women in their 30’s, on the other hand, are purposeful. They don’t waste time; they have a five-year plan (which includes marriage), and they do not beat around the bush when stating their wishes.

There is a striking difference between my friends’ dating habits in their 20’s and their dating habits in their 30’s. I sometimes look at them and think, “My! Have you changed.” Here’s the difference between dating in your 20s vs dating in your 30s.

In your 20s, your time is often wasted. You meet a guy and he’s not who you want to marry, but he’s cute and fun, so you begin dating. You believe you’re in a relationship, but he never gives you a title. You keep dating him anyway, until one day he drops off the face of the planet and stops returning your calls and you’re left eating icecream with your homegirl and wondering, What did I do wrong?

In you 30’s every moment is accounted for. At 30, dates are no longer a sport, you’re on a mission. You fire important marriage focused questions during the talking stage like, When do you want to get married? Do you want to have children? What’s your five year plan? If his questions align with your future plans, then you’ll go on a date with him. As soon as he shows signs that even remotely resemble any other bad relationship you’ve been in, you exit stage left immediately. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

In your 20’s, you live by the theme song, Girls Just Want To Have Fun. The most attractive personality trait for a man you date is one who loves to have a good time. He’s adventuresome. He’s also the here-today-gone-tomorrow type of guy. But that’s cool with you, because you’re not looking to get married at anytime soon. You just want to have fun.

In your 30’s, your theme song is Put A Ring On It. Women in their 30’s are focused on many things, but the most significant one is the engagement ring she’s hoping to obtain. Her life choices are dictated by the fact that she is going to find a husband and settle down. Her future goals drive the career path she chooses. It dictates where she chooses to live and what her living arrangements are. It especially dictates who she dates. She start asking questions like, Will he be a good father to my children? and Will he take care of me when I’m old? In fact that adventuresome guy you would date in your 20’s is longer attractive to you in your 30’s.

In your 20’s, you blame yourself for anything that goes on in the relationship. I’ve talked about my worst date ever on my blog before. The guy I was dating at the time treated me so poorly, yet I still blamed myself for his behavior. It’s amazing how women can find flaws in themselves, when the guy they are with is a true jerk. This phenomenon changes as one ages.

In your 30’s, you state what you want and achieve it. Unapologetically. Women become more and more unapologetic for who you are and what they want. As my 30-something old friend told me one time without any hesitation, “I don’t do broke. The next guy I date will make a decent living.” Three years later, she’s married to a physician who makes at least six figures per year. She knew what she wanted and she achieved it, without second-guessing herself.

What age did you have the most fun dating – 20’s or 30’s?

 

 

The Biggest Mistakes People Make When Choosing a Life Partner

The article below articulates my thoughts on marriage and long-term relationships. Our choice of a life partner is the biggest decision we will ever make and as such, we should choose carefully, not hastily. Furthermore, our goal should not be to get married before our biological clock runs out of time, but to marry the right person. We should take our time; there is no need to rush.

The Biggest Mistakes People Make When Choosing A Life Partner

What To Consider Before Asking A Couple When They Are Getting Married

My boyfriend and I are approaching our 2 year anniversary and I just turned 30 years old. I understand why so many relatives and friends are becoming increasingly more curious about when will tie the knot.  As my elder no-nonsense cousin so eloquently stated during the early stages of my boyfriend and my relationship, “You’re not 19. What are his intentions?” It’s a valid question for me to consider.

I believe people are asking from a sincere place. They genuinely want me to be happy and they believe that marriage is one way to achieve happiness. They also want to make sure that I do it fast before time runs out and I can no longer give birth to babies. Many unmarried women in their mid-forties, who were focused on their career in their early thirties, regret the fact that they did not settle down earlier. Perhaps they want to ensure that I do not make the same mistake.

I get it.

But what I don’t understand is how some people feel the need to pressure you into making such a huge decision. We all know what pressure sounds like from our loved ones:

  • When are you getting married? (asked each time you see her/him)
  • When will I have a grandchild?
  • My son needs a playmate. Please tell me you’re going to have children next year.
  • You’re not getting any younger. You don’t want a high-risk pregnancy, do you?

Read More »

Hollywood’s Deepest Secrets: A Movie Review of Beyond The Lights

BeyondTheLightsPhotoHollywood is more than just glamour, parties, and paparazzi. In some cases, Hollywood can take the best of you and leave you at the edge of a balcony ready to jump, as portrayed in the movie, Beyond The Lights.

Before this movie, I did not understand the motive and circumstances behind celebrity suicides. I’m not saying that I am an expert on it now, but I will say that I have a slight understanding of the psychology behind a celebrity’s motive to end her life.Read More »

How To Identify The Relationship With No Happy Ending

 

No Happy Ending
stock.adobe.com

Recently, my friend mentioned to me that she was done with relationships that are “long stories.”  We all have friends who answer to questions about their boyfriend with a statement that begins, “Girl, let me tell you what happened yesterday!” Then, she proceeds to tell her version of a long story. The story can include a plethora of events, mostly ones featuring her boyfriend behaving badly. She may mention that she caught a questionable text message in his phone; he hasn’t been home for the past two nights or that fact that she caught him in a lie. Long stories, according to my friend’s experience, never end well. Her advice: leave any man that gives you a long story and move on.

After she made her statement, I was trying to play devil’s advocate. I thought about my friends who are in relationships. Did any of them have a long story? I remembered a friend who got married recently. Her story was long until she became fed up with his foolishness and broke off the relationship. He changed and now, they are happily married.Read More »

The Man That Got Away

The Man That Got AwayOkay, so I am the only one of my friends who is unmarried. Wait, God. Did I miss something? Maybe it’s the guy who sat next to me in church 3 months ago? The one with the nice smile and straight teeth. The one who made it a point to greet me during tithes and offering and make remarks about the message to me. The one who asked for my number so we can have Bible study but for some strange reason, I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and turned him down?

Waiting for your special someone is not an easy feat. Let me tell you.

Last weekend, I met a guy who made my skin crawl. Needless to say, a date with him will not be on the agenda in the near future. Given this, I still find myself stressing about why I am not meeting anyone. I have tried everything. I have read all the relationship blogs. I go out; I meet people; I’ve even joined an online dating site. Nothing is happening.

If there is anything that life has taught me in the past 20-something years is that the best things come easy and in its own time. There is no need to force a relationship or meeting the right one. Perhaps I am not meeting anyone because today is not the right day.

My guy is wherever he is getting prepared for that day when I will walk into his life. And what am I doing? Worrying. What if I missed him?Read More »

For My Little Sister Who Shows Off Her Assets

little girlNowadays, It’s not uncommon to see a 15 year old girl pose for a picture, by sticking out her breasts and buttocks on social media. It happens too many times. And frankly, I’m sick of it.

I don’t know whether to blame society and hip hop music for objectifying women, the lack of a father figure in a young girl’s home, or low self-esteem for the way some young girls flaunt their bodies for attention.  But something has to give.

If she were my little sister, here’s what I’d tell her.Read More »

What They Didn’t Tell Me About Being In A Relationship

S&T Healthy Relationship

No one told me it was going to be this way.

Not that this is a bad way; it’s just that no one really tells you about some of the ups and downs that you’ll experience in your first real relationship. Your annoying friend who is always making updates about your relationship status on Facebook and Twitter forgot to mention a few things.

I am in a relationship now and here are 8 things no one ever told me about being in a relationship.

1. You will feel like you have split personalities.

Before He came along, I was an interesting person with an array of interests. Spoken word, apple picking, dancing, kickboxing, traveling and blogging were all part of my life. I spent a lot of my free time with friends and family. But now, I’m in a relationship, trying to balance spending time with him and spending time with friends, family, and myself. I’m trying to keep my commitments to all birthday parties, housewarming extravaganzas, weddings, and every other social outing. I’m trying to keep church commitments, attend family events, spend quality time with the family, and act like my new “friend” will not subtract the time I spend with the closest people in my life.  I’m trying to blog regularly, exercise regularly, spend adequate time on my personal and professional development, and enjoy my precious “me” time. I am trying to act like a single person in a relationship and can we say exhausting? I literally feel like I have split personalities!

Read More »

The Only Thing I Want To Hear From An Ex

moving on quoteYou’re finally over the guy you thought rocked your world. It was a messy breakup so you two did not remain friends. In fact, you can’t remember the last time he crossed your mind. When you two initially broke up, you felt like the world was ending. But now, you’re smarter, wiser, and have a little bit more pep in your step. You’ve realized that his departure from your life was one of the best things that has ever happened to you.

Read More »

12 Qualities That Will Help You Attract The One

you are the oneGoogle “how to find a man” and you’ll discover that these keywords are some of the most popular search terms. While I’ve wondered to myself how to attract Mr. Right, I’ve recently realized that the easiest way to find the man of your dreams is to be the woman of your dreams.

Sure, you can read every book on this topic, change your hairstyle, lose some weight, or do whatever else to yourself that will make you feel beautiful, but the truth is that we attract what we are. If you are an intelligent woman, then you probably attract intelligent men.Read More »

A Woman’s Love: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Steve Harvey: Have you ever tried to out-give a woman?

Male Caller: No

Steve Harvey: Did you win?

Male Caller: No

Steve Harvey: Right, cause you will never out-give a woman. The least you can do is provide for her: pay for her meals and whatever else she needs. You cannot put a price tag on the amount of love and support she’ll give you in return. Sir, it’s priceless. So why are you complaining?

This is a conversation that took place on the Steve Harvey Morning Show a couple weeks ago. Say what you want to about Steve Harvey, but I respect the advice and help he offers women of all ages. His no-nonsense delivery makes it clear that women (and men) need to take a different perspective on how we approach relationships.

The caller mentioned above called the Show to complain about the woman he was dating. She required him to pay for her meals and buy her gifts and he didn’t feel that it was appropriate that he be her provider. He felt that she was not doing anything in return and as a result, he was becoming frustrated.

Steve’s argument above was right on-point. Women are amazing givers. An old theory  suggests that women should marry a man who loves her slightly more than she loves him. According to this theory, a marriage with this kind of man will ensure that he will give as much as she does.

But even with this, I still think a woman will out-give a man on any given day. Our love is pure. It is unwavering. It is the closest thing a man will come to unconditional love on earth.