A few months ago, I threw a party for myself. This party, however, was a bit different from my other parties.  There was no mass e-mail sent to my 895 contacts. There was no Facebook promotion. I did not even send a text to friends and family requesting that they show up. In fact, this party was a party of one. And I liked it that way.

This party included myself, my laptop, and my thoughts. At this party, I reflected on my career goals and personal goals. I thought about where I thought I would be at my age and where I actually am. I thought about all the things that have gone against my plan.  I thought about the broken hearts, the rejection letters, the disappointments, and the setbacks.

And I did what I hadn’t done in a long time. I cried.Read More »

In honor of my 2nd year anniversary, I’ll share with you my responses to common questions that I receive from readers. Feel free to ask me other questions. I will be adding to this list.

How did you get the nickname “Yaa Yaa?”

My father is Ghanaian. In Ghana, babies are named for the day of the week s/he were born. Girls born on Thursdays are called “Yaa.” Yaa Yaa is what my family and close friends call me, as a term of endearment.

Why did you start this blog?

Writing is my therapy. I have been writing stories, poems, stories, and chronicling my life events and thoughts in a journal since I was 8 years old. I tend to be pretty honest in my writing so I used to keep my writing to myself. I didn’t want people to know me up close and personal. I’ve been told by many people that I am a gifted writer, so I thought why not share it with the world? For the past 7 years, I struggled with my decision to start a blog or not. Then, in August 2011, I thought to myself, “What the heck? I’m not working. Might as well throw caution to the wind and give this thing a try.” The rest is history.

Read More »

Your responses to my post, “My Abuser,” was overwhelming. Some of you reached out to me via text, G-Talk IM’s, Skype, phone calls, and e-mails to say you were sorry that I felt that way; you were shocked by my words and wanted to offer a Bible scripture or some other encouraging words to get me through this rough patch. Read More »

“Your life is only worth living once you find something that you would DIE for.”  -Pastor CruteRead More »

Confession: I am extremely hard on myself.

Seriously.  If I am broken-hearted, I expect my wound to heal within 2 months. If a significant change occurs in my life such as job loss, relocation, end of a friendship or relationship, I expect myself to bounce back immediately, grin and bear it and never shed a tear. After all, crying is for babies and I am a NOT a baby. I am a SuperWoman. Heaven forbid that I make a mistake, for I am perfect. My parents boast about me; my friends look up to me. My brothers adore me. My enemies envy me. Mistakes are for losers. And I am not a loser; I am SuperWoman

SuperWomen don’t make mistakes. SuperWomen do not cry, and if they do cry they will never allow one to witness it. SuperWomen are not vulnerable; they don’t need a man. They will never allow themselves to be vulnerable and let a man know their most private thoughts, feelings, and insecurities. SuperWomen have all the answers. They never seek advice.

In fact, it’s difficult being a SuperWoman. Smiling when all you want to do is break down and cry. Listening to a friend’s problems when you feel you have no more energy to comfort or even sympathize with her issues.  Working hard day in and day out trying to prove that you are just as good as the next guy and girl. Showing men that you got yours, you are an Independent Woman. Paying your own bills on time, and buying what your male counterparts couldn’t even afford. Feeling embarrassed when you make a mistake and then feeling lonely because you feel that no one will relate to you.

After all, you didn’t think a SuperWoman could ever be (dare I say it?) weak.

Recently, life circumstances have brought me to the realization that I am not SuperWoman. I am, in fact, Human. Therefore, I am fully capable of doing the following:

1. To fall in love and act a bit crazy
2. To cry sometimes. To even let out that ugly cry. You know, the cry when tears and snot run down your face simultaneously. You gasp for air every few seconds. And just when you finished letting it all out, you start hiccuping. Y’all know what I”m talking about?
3. To be lonely and want someone to hold me
4. To not be able to do it all and please everyone in my life
5. To say “no” to a request
6. To ask for help or seek advice when I don’t have all the answers
7. To make the same mistake twice
8. To hang on to something that I know I should let go.

I used to think I wouldn’t fall in love and act like BOZO like some people who are walking around me with ogling eyes. Boy, who was I kidding?

And you know what the most surprising epiphany after all these experiences was? It is OK to be human.

It was the summer before my freshman year in high school. I was 14 and he was 16. I wore oversized glasses and a reputation for being smart. I was comfortable in my intellect but awkward in my appearance. I struggled between wanting a guy to notice me and being too shy to respond to a boy’s advances.

Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to worry about my response to boys’ advances; it hardly ever happened. And when it did, I would be enamored for a second, and then I’d notice that the boy was only trying to sweet talk me into letting him copy my paper (which I never allowed).

This boy, to my surprise, was not like the other boys. He showered me with compliments that I had never received before. He would wait for me after class and would walk me to my next class, and sometimes, he’d even carry my books. In between classes, we’d talk about musicians and recently released albums. Sisqo was our favorite artist at the time and he’d let me listen to his “Unleash The Dragon” album on his portable CD player.

At the tender age of 14, I had my first real crush.

One day, as he was walking me to class, he grabbed my hand and said, “Come here. I want to show you something.” The butterflies in my stomach, the alluring beats of the “Thong Song” playing in my ear, and the smooth touch of his hand was too much for an innocent soon-to-be-ninth-grader like me. I was smitten.

We walked to the far end of the building – to a dark hallway that was in need of some serious maintenance: paint peeling off the wall, lights flickering, creaky air conditioning. He explained to me that “The Dungeon” was built back in the early 1970’s  when the school was built, but unlike the rest of the building, it needed had not been renovated. It’s history – I found fascinating, but what intrigued me even more was the fact that in all the times that I’ve been lost within the building, I had never noticed “The Dungeon.” My thoughts were interrupted.

“I want to ask you something,” he says.

A big smile crept up on me. I knew what he was going to ask me. He was going to ask me to be his girlfriend! And of course, I would say YES! I thought about all the time I’d get to spend with him, all the fun we’d have together. I thought about the movies we’d see together. I even imagined what his blue and orange jacket he wore to school everyday would look like on me. I hadn’t realized I was smiling until he said, “You have a beautiful smile.”

I was practically planning our wedding when the school bell interrupted my thoughts and zapped me back into reality.  “I have to go to Geometry class,” I told him.

“It’s okay,” he said and gripped me tight around my waist.

The hand holding was sweet but the tight grip frightened me. The butterflies that were flying around in my stomach a few moments ago had vanished. I guess it fell to the floor with the rest of my stomach.

I wanted to get out of his presence. Something wasn’t feeling right.

“I have to go,” I said firmly, ” I don’t want to miss Geometry.” I snatched my hand from him and pulled out of his tight cold embrace and started walking briskly in the opposite direction – towards the well-lit hallways that felt safer to me.

He called me, “Come back. You’re not going to miss anything in Geometry. Stay with me.”

I started running. Something wasn’t right. I just had to get out of there.

Ten minutes later, I was sitting in the 2nd row of my Geometry class staring at my teacher who wore smiley faced ties to work everyday. His lecture on 30 degree angels was going in one ear and out the other. How could I be so dumb and leave him like that. He’ll never talk to me again.

After class, I heard news that would forever change the relationship between my crush and me. He had molested a girl in the location that he had taken me. It was a he-say-she-say matter, but there was enough evidence provided by authorities and other girls to expel him from the program. I never saw him again.

No one knows for sure what really happened in the dark hallway of the school, but I was grateful that I wasn’t there to find out. The girl who accused him of committing such a cold-hearted act could have been me. But thanks to that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, that girl wasn’t me.

He and I never spoke again. And I learned a valuable lesson before my first year in high school: always listen and trust to your intuition.

On December 31, 2011 at 11:48pm four friends and I stood in 40 degree weather hugging ourselves to keep warm and waiting for the Peach to drop. Five Points neighborhood of Atlanta was crowded that night. I didn’t know what my friends or the hundreds of other Atlantans were feeling about 2011, but I was more excited about saying FAREWELL to 2011 than I was about saying HELLO to 2012. 2011 was a hard teacher. In fact, she was the toughest  teacher I have ever had in my entire life, but luckily, I’m a good student: I studied and took good notes. Since I’m a generous person, I’ll share them with you, so we can both walk into 2012’s classroom, prepared to tackle whatever lesson is thrown at us.

Here’s what Professor 2011 has taught me:

1. Be humble or be humbled. 

The year 2011 taught me that humility is a trait that I need to cultivate. Humility is the understanding that everything in life – houses, cars, family members, friends, significant others, money, jobs, and even life itself – can be taken from us in an instant. It’s accepting the people in your life and uncomfortable situations with a grateful heart. When things are going well for us – promotions, high-paying jobs, expensive cars, beautiful homes, healthy children – we have a tendency to take our blessings for granted. But if we take a moment, step back and imagine our life without our family, without a relationship with a significant other, without our money, without our jobs, we will realize how truly precious our life is.

People will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. You set the standard and if someone doesn’t live up to that standard, then there you must enforce consequences. A consequence may be your absence or a candid conversation. Simple as that. Women who say that their boyfriends don’t treat them right, I say shame on the guy and then shame on her. If a guy isn’t doing right by you, then women, you have the power to change it.

7. If you can’t change the situation, change your perspective.

After I had item #6 down pact, I quickly noticed that there are some people who are “unteachable.” These people might come in the shape of a supervisor, family member, or spouse; you’re going to have to deal with this person no matter what and they are NOT going to change. You can’t “punish” them. An open discussion with this person is not always feasible. When you’re faced with an “unteachable,” #7 comes into play: change your perspective; change the way you look at them. Look at the good side, focus on the positive and overlook the negative.

8. Family members are angels on earth. 

I don’t know one person on this planet that can support me like my family does. I have a mother, father, three brothers (two older, one younger), two nephews, one neice and two sister-in-laws, a loving grandmother and a grandpa. I also have numerous cousins, second cousins, fourth cousins, and adopted cousins. Each person, in their own unique way, has been there for me in my time of need. They have encouraged me when I just couldn’t find the strength to continue with the journey; they kept me grounded when I thought I was too cool for school. They have even drove 30 miles from Marietta to Spelman to bring my favorite snack (Tostitos), so that I’ll have something to munch on while pulling an all-nighter. Each person that I have the honor of calling family are my Angels on earth.

9. Silence is golden

Oprah shared some wisdom with her Facebook fans in September. Although I found everything she said inspirational, there was one piece of advice that struck me. She said, “Each day spend quiet time alone and listen to that still small voice within you.”

She didn’t specify who that “still small voice” belonged to because at the end of the day that doesn’t matter. Christians would call it the holy spirit, others call it God, some call  intuition, while others call it their inner voice. Whatever you call it, I’ve found that when my life becomes hectic, when I have tight deadlines, when my e-mails are piling up, and when my task list becomes long, I just bury myself in the workload and get in done. Oprah challenged me to stop, and listen to that still small voice within me.

Each day, I try to set aside quiet time. For me, quiet time is not prayer time, it’s not the silence I hear while driving alone in my car; it’s not the pause I hear on the phone when my cell phone company puts me on hold for 20 minutes. My quiet time occurs right before bedtime; I’ll sit up in bed, focus on a spot on my wall and let my mind wander. I’ll listen to my thoughts, I’ll search for negative thoughts and for positive thoughts. A funny thought will enter my head and I’ll laugh of course,  but when all my thoughts are gone, I just listen. And I let that voice say whatever it needs to say. It may sound strange but this activity has helped me tackle my bout of insomnia and helped keep myself at peace when things went haywire.

10. High standards yield less options

Many women are asking themselves, “Why am I still single?” The media has capitalized on this question, distorting it to read, “What is wrong with women (especially Black women) who are single?” Of course, there are a few women who have a severe personality flaw that taints their love life, but most of the time women who are single have high standards. Women, when you have high standards, you’re going to have less options. If you want a man – any type of man – then lower your standards. You’ll no longer be single, but good luck in your relationship with the guy you’ve attracted with lower standards.

11. Less money results in less problems (sometimes).

Flipping through the channels the other day, I came across Mase & P. Diddy’s old music video entitled “More Money, More Problems.” I chuckled at that ridiculous costume that the rappers were wearing and then I thought seriously about the concept “More money, more problems.” I thought about my life when I was working and I think about my life now. When I was working and had extra money, I was always trying to find an excursion: NYC, DC, Houston. You name it, and I’d salvage enough money to get there. Oh the mental calculations I would endure to determine if a trip was financially feasible. In those days, planning a trip was stressful.  Traveling was stressful; making arrangements and activities for my destination was stressful; trying to find time to travel in the midst of a hectic work life was stressful.

Nowadays, I don’t have that form of stress. I don’t travel because I can’t afford it. When Expedia sends me deals to my favorite destinations, I don’t even open it. No need to spend hours scheming on how I can force an weekend getaway into a strained budget. I just don’t go. I have money for bills, food, and other essentials and that’s about it. And surprisingly, I am content with the travel hiatus (although I hope it doesn’t last too long).

In honor of my 10th post, I am reflecting on my blogging journey. I am proud of myself! After starting and stopping three blogs prior to this one, I am happy to announce that I have consistently updated Scribbles And Tostitos for two whole months! My topics have been intriguing, informative, and innovative; this is more than I could say about the previous blogs.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to merely share my writing skills. Writing is what I do when I’m stressed, happy, sad, or lovesick. If this is what I love to do, why not share it with those who can benefit from it? And that’s the mentality that motivated me to start this blog. Admittedly, there have been some days where I wonder who is reading it and at times I’ve been disappointed with the lack of feedback I’ve received. Some of my good friends have either failed to acknowledge the blog or failed to read it; whereas some of my acquaintances have provided constructive criticisms and feedback on ways for me to improve this blog. I noticed this trend after the third post, but promised myself that I wouldn’t be hung up on those that read it and those that don’t. This blog wasn’t intended for those that aren’t interested in reading it; I know that there are plenty of other readers who love reading my posts.

There are plenty of other blogs that I’ve read in the past that have changed my life. In a post, the blogger introduced me to a new concept; encouraged me to continue trusting in God, or made me laugh on a bad day. The blogs that have made the most impact on me were the ones that were touching that after reading it, I wanted to reach through my computer and give the writer a hug. In that moment, I could identify with the reader because I knew that I wasn’t crazy if she was experiencing the same feelings as me.

I was once afraid to start a blog for fear that people would judge me. In person, I can wear a mask, but in my writing my mask disappears. I continuously struggle with how personal to be. Should I reveal my current crush? Should I share that particular experience on my blog? Ok, if I admit this, people are going to think I am crazy! These thoughts run through my mind repeatedly before I hit the “publish” button. Yesterday, a creepy feeling came over me, what if a potential employer stumbled across this blog, hated my opinions, and as a result rescinded a job offer?

Ok, maybe I was going a little to far with that statement. But I can say this, I applaud bloggers who are transparent on their blogs – the ones who bare their soul on the web for readers like me to benefit from. Seldom do I judge an individual who admits her mistakes on her blog. In fact, after reading her story, I sit at my Mac in awe. This person had the audacity to share her story on the World Wide Web? Doesn’t she realize how silly and vulnerable she appears?  Like Rasheeda Matthews of the blog, A Better Part of Me, says “healing comes through sharing.” I am grateful to the bloggers who have touched me through their words.

On this blog, you’ll notice a hint of vulnerability. You’ll learn about my lessons learned, and you’ll learn what has made me the Strong Black Woman that writes today. I am proud of who I’ve become and who I am becoming. This blog conveys the process of me becoming comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of pretending I am someone I am not.  Of course, I will exercise wisdom in what I share and how I share it.

I want my blog to make an impact. I want it to reflect who I am in an unapologetic manner but still connect with others. I want it to enlighten, encourage, and entertain those who read it. I hope that Scribbles And Tostitos is what other blogs have been to me.

A knot in my throat and tears in my eyes, I returned home from my 26^th birthday celebration. Once again, my friends had let me down again, failing to show up to my birthday festivities. Despite the number of times I’ve shown up, overcame obstacles or incurred an exorbitant amount of debt to make it there for my friends, they failed to show up for me. I am a firm believer in where there is a will there is a way and if my friend has invited me to a wedding, milestone birthday celebration or made me promise to visit her in a far away city, then I will do whatever it takes – shift monies from my savings account, forgo a hair appointment or two (sometimes three), eat Raman noodles for breakfast lunch dinner – whatever it takes to be there for more friends.

I do these things because (a) I take the role of friendship seriously and in my book this means being there for your friend’s milestone events and (b) I assume that since we’re friends, you’ll do the same thing for me. And (c) most times these short excursions to attend a birthday party out of state are exhilarating for me. I enjoy the party.

Well, these beliefs have set me up for disappointment everytime. I find myself doing all these things to be there for me when it’s their turn to “reward” me, I get nothing. A mere text message on my birthday; a “sorry I can’t make it” on the e-vite, or my favorite, a non-acknowledgement that my birthday is here.

Now, I understand that life happens cause in the last few months life has happened to me too, certainly interrupted my comfort level, but on the other hand, I don’t really understand. I’ve practically jumped over wild horses, grew money in my non-furtile backyard, said a prayer over making it to your shin-dig, why can’t you do that for me?

When I think of these things, I typically become very angry. But I have recently come to the realization that putting faith in people to do what you do for them is simply unfair and inappropriate. Unfair – because who says that my friendship book matches their friendship book. And inappropriate because this expectation puts more damage on me then it does on them. Think about it. My friend is home doing whatever she does, while I’m at home sobbing cause she let me down again. While she says “sorry” for her non-attendance, she doesn’t carry the burden – the regret, the anger and the overall disappointment – that comes with this great expectation of mine. And on the bright side, I have had a brilliant life. For everytime someone has failed to meet my expectation, three people have exceeded them – giving me money when needed, traveling two hours to pick up an i-Pod that I left behind, taking me under their wings while I was away from my home country.

With this being said, I relinquish the burden that I have place on people to meet my every action and embrace the endless possibilities that life has to show me.