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I always feel partly responsible for my ex-boyfriends’ success. For, I was there when times were tough. No money, no job.  Just a dream. I was there when no one quite understood what it was that they were seeking after. I was there when no one cared about their plans for success.

Some time has passed since my exes and I have gone our separate ways. It didn’t work out between me and them for various reasons, but one thing will never change.  I will never change the way I feel about their ability to fulfill their dreams. I still smile when they tell me about a business plan that has finally come into fruition, a graduate degree that has finally been earned, or a promotion that has finally been achieved at their jobs.

When we were together, one thing that my exes could always depend on is my ability to support and encourage whenever its needed. I have been a shoulder to cry on when they’ve failed. I have been a voice of encouragement when they were feeling discouraged or a comic relief when they felt like crying.

While some women become bitter when their ex becomes successful, I rejoice. I understand the role that I played in their success, so when they succeed, I feel like I’ve achieved something great also.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

S&T Readers, how do you feel when you’re ex achieves a goal that he was diligently working towards while you two were dating?

This post was originally written on October 18, 2010 while I was living in Richmond, VA.  My living arrangements have changed since then, but the message is still the same.

Anyone who knows me will know how strongly I pride myself on being an Independent Woman. I have my own job; my own car; my own apartment; pay my own bills, on time and if there is something that I want, I pursuit it, passionately. At night, I got to bed at night satisfied and with a faint smile. Though exhausted, I always feel a sense of accomplishment. After all, I don’t need anyone to take care of me.

But what happens when my car breaks down? Or when I get a flat tire? Or a piece of furniture in my apartment needs to be fixed? What happens when I have to travel through questionable neighborhoods? Or when I just some company? Some companionship? Someone to laugh with? Share intimate secrets with? Or someone to give me a hug when my boss chews me out for the less-than-perfect report that I submitted?

Well this Independent Woman is not so independent during these moments. In fact, this Independent Woman is rather dependent. She needs someone to fix her car; change her flat tire, fix that broken bar stool in her apartment and travel with her through those dangerous neighborhoods. She needs someone to talk to; laugh with; accompany to her to dinner; and tell her that everything will be okay.

Face it: everyone needs someone to take care of them. And I think it’s important that the Independent Woman lets a potential boyfriend know that she’s not so independent. The whole I-Got-My-Life-Together-And-Don’t-Need-You act is actually male repellant. Men are not interested in the amount of degrees a woman has, the kind of car she drives and the fact that you really don’t “need” him financially. There are other attributes to play up when meeting men. Emphasize that charismatic personality; the fact that you enjoy theatre; the fact that you love spoken word and poetry, knowing all the words to your favorite pieces. Your interests, hobbies, personality (and of course looks) will attract men. As you get to know him, the fact that you are independent will come through, but it’s not something to brag about during your initial meeting.

I’ve never heard a man say to a lady (or a guy say to me, for that matter) “Gee, I like you because you are independent and you pay your own bills and you don’t need me.” Nope. Men are more likely to say, “I like you because you’re fun to be around and you know how to make me laugh.”

I am so sick of the media portraying Black Woman as lonely, angry and desperate. A recent video that has been posted all over Facebook and other social networking sites forced me to take a long took at myself and how I approach relationships. (See videohere.) And I am ashamed to admit that there was some truth to the video. I actually saw some of myself and Black girl friends in the clip. No wonder why some picky and inconsistent ladies are single! (I hate to say that; but it’s true.)

I don’t know why the media wants to pick on Black Woman so much, but I do know that some Independent Women should check themselves. Are you repelling potentially good men?

Thoughts?

Thank you everyone for the anniversary well wishes! After one year of marriage I know this much: 1) I chose well, and, 2) we couldn’t do it without ya’ll. – Facebook Friend

I would love to say these words to my husband, family, friends, and acquaintances with confidence one day, so I am picky about who I date. Although my previous relationships, flirtationships, friendships, or whatever you want to call them have not worked out, I am rest assured that one day that Special One will walk into my life. We’ll get married and one days these words will be applicable to me.

I look forward to that day.

I didn’t want to leave you avid S&T readers on a bad note from previous post, so I decided to lighten up the mood a little bit with stories of my best dates ever. I’m a lucky girl. I’ve had more good dates in my dating career than bad dates. And my career is not over yet 🙂

Date 1 -A Walk to Breakfast

I mentioned in my previous post that my worst date and best date were with the same guy. (Ironic isn’t it?) On one of my best dates ever, Boy and I met at a train station and took a leisurely walk one Saturday morning around Boston’s Fenway and Brighton neighborhoods. Boston is a commuter friendly city and on that particular day, the weather was gorgeous, warm with a light breeze.  We both had never been in these neighborhoods, so it was like sight-seeing in a new city.  It was our first date, but since we hit it off instantly the night before, we had a lot to talk about. When we got hungry, we stopped at a quaint restaurant to ate breakfast. I’m not sure if Boy had any plans for this date, but that’s okay because in this case spontaneity was a plus.

Date 2 – Ice Skating

This boy and I had met two weeks prior to our first date. In the two weeks that we knew each other, we texted, chatted online, and talked on the phone incessantly, so we were both equally excited for our first date. We wanted to do something unique; something different from your average dinner and a movie and when he jokingly proposed the idea of ice skating, I laughed and exclaimed, “That’s perfect!” There’s nothing that will break the ice more than ice skating, falling, and literally “breaking the ice.” Our conversations leading up the first date flowed so naturally, however, that we didn’t need any assistance in striking up conversations.

Ice skating allowed us to work up an appetite and we ate at a local Chinese restaurant. We were the only ones in the restaurant when we we arrived at 4pm, but by 6pm, the restaurant was getting busy. Our conversation was so intriguing that we hadn’t noticed the server giving us the side-eye. We were occupying one of her tables and she needed it to seat someone else.  We left the restaurant and finished our conversation at a Starbucks nearby. At Starbucks we chatted for another hour an a half. Our date ended 6.5 hours after it began, making this date not only one of the best dates ever but also one of the longest dates ever.

Date 3 – Dinner and Drinks

The funny thing about this date is that it wasn’t supposed to be a date! My new friend in a new city I was residing in at the time wanted to show me around.  We made arrangements to meet at my hotel lobby at 7:00pm but because I thought he would be on CP (Colored People) time, I wasn’t ready until about 7:30pm.

He took me to a shopping mall and restaurant. Our conversation over dinner was extremely interesting and he was so animated and engaging that I loss track of time. The restaurant closed before our conversation ended and we had to continue it at a bar. Now, for those of you who know me know that I don’t drink alcohol. But since he asked me out for drinks, I thought he drank. We were happily surprised when we got to the bar and I ordered a Sprite and he ordered a Malta.  We continued chatting, totally oblivious to the other people in the room. At 10pm my eyes started to get heavy and his did too, but we didn’t want to leave each other. Finally, at around 11pm, I insisted that he walk me to my hotel. We chatted for a moment at the hotel elevators before saying goodbye. Upon walking into my room and throwing myself across the bed, I reached for my private journal on the nightstand and wrote. “This boy gave me my best date ever!”

His smile is what caught my attention in the bar on that rainy Friday night in Boston.  Luckily for me, a mutual friend introduced us so striking up a conversation was not difficult. We hit it off instantly and chatted throughout the evening like old friends. Before the night was over, we exchanged numbers and he promised to take me out to breakfast the following morning.

The next morning, I awoke to the sound of a vibrating cell phone.  There was a text message from him proposing details for our breakfast date. The breakfast date was nice and in fact, has gone down in history as one of my favorite dates. (I’ll share the details with you in my next post.)  For our second date, we went to a Caribbean restaurant and to a mutual friend’s birthday party. For our third date, the worst date, we went to dinner and a movie.

Boy had been a mystery throughout our 3 months of talking. If we went on a date on Saturday, he’d call afterwards to say he had a good time. He might even call the following day to see how I was doing. But as soon as the workweek opened up again, he disappeared.  He wouldn’t respond to my text messages or phone calls from Monday through Friday. In the rare occasion that he would respond, they were one-word responses to my questions. He traveled a lot and blamed his non-responsiveness on his frequent travel trips. When he was in town and available, he’d call and ask me out on a date. Although it bothered me that he was a  “here-today-gone-tomorrow” type of guy, I overlooked it because I wanted a boyfriend. He had a promising career in front of him and with a gorgeous smile and a great personality, I wanted him to be The One.

One Saturday afternoon as I was riding home from Target on the T (Bostonians’ affectionate name for the public transportation system), my phone chimed. I rolled my eyes because I thought it was my bug-a-boo at the time (another guy who was pursuing me relentlessly) but it was the Boy. My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name on my phone’s screen. His message read, “Would you like to go out for a dinner and movie this evening?” That’s it. There was no explanation as to where he’d been in the past 3 weeks and no acknowledgement of the text messages that I previously sent. I almost didn’t respond but loneliness is a dangerous companion. It’ll make you do things you’ll later regret. I waited about an hour after the text message was sent to respond.

We text messaged back and forth for the remainder of the afternoon until around 5pm when he called to finalize the details of our date. We were going to meet at a shopping center near my apartment and “wing it.”

I was a little nervous about seeing him after 3 weeks. I was also a little self-conscious because I had cut off all my hair since the last time I saw him and was rocking a TWA (Teeny Weeny Afro). I wasn’t quite sure how he’d react.

“I love your hair!” he exclaimed when he approached me outside the shopping mall. I was happily surprised. He gave me a bear hug as if he’d missed me. And all my anger from not hearing from him disappeared.

He held the door as we walked into the restaurant. He chose the table, pulled out my chair, and I was pleased that he was acting like a gentleman. The waitress took our order and our menus and that’s when the date turned sour.

As we were waiting for our food, Boy started fiddling with his Blackberry. I didn’t say anything because I thought he was replying to an urgent e-mail from his employer.  When he finished with his Blackberry, he looked up at me and yawned and stretched as if he were bored. I asked him a question about his workweek and he replied, “busy.” That was it and silence crept over the table. I didn’t know what else to say so I started talking about my week. I was a graduate student at the time, so I talked about exams, papers, and upcoming school events. About a minute into my rant, he started looking back down at his Blackberry. I paused for a second to let him finish his task. When he looked up, I continued.

The server came with our appetizer a few moments later.  While I was cutting myself a slice of bread with a butter knife, I fumbled. (The server failed to give us a proper knife.)

“What are you doing?!” He snaps. “There are other ways of doing that!”

I was shocked. Did he just yell at me? I thought to myself. He snatched the knife from me and cut the bread himself. Then, he resumed eating and playing with his phone as if nothing happened.

A few moments later, he inquires, “What type of initiatives is Boston University engaging in to tackle the African malaria epidemic?”

I struggled to find my words initially because I was taken aback by his outburst. Since he appeared normal again, I brushed off his antics and answered his question. He replied to my responses with follow-up questions and comments and for a moment, I felt like I was on a real date with someone who was treating me with respect.

Fifteen minutes had past and our server came with the main course. My appetite was waning by now because my date was being erratic. I barely ate my food. He asked me another question about my life as a graduate student and when I attempted to answer it, his phone started ringing. He answered the phone and put his pointer finger over his lips and whispers to me, “shhh…”

Him: What panties are you wearing?  

Me: What?!?!?!

Him: Oh no, not you. (He points to the phone.)

At that moment, I should have walked out the restaurant, leaving him at the table to finish his food alone.  But for some strange reason, I didn’t. I actually sat there and continued the date.

This isn’t a story I share with a lot of people and this is not one of my best moments; I actually sat at a dinner table and allowed someone to treat me badly. Why and how I could have allowed this to happen is something I often ask myself. Perhaps I was lonely. Perhaps I was so desperate to be on a date I was willing to take anything.

Men feed off women who are desperate and lonely. There are too many women who are in relationships with men who consistently treat them poorly. Maybe these women are like how I was  – lonely and desperate and willing to take anything from a man in order to have one. Since my worst date ever, I have matured. The relationship I have with myself is the second most important thing in my life after God.  I make sure that I treat myself with respect and demand that others do also. I let men know up front what I require and if they don’t meet the expectations, then I bounce. While this is an area that I still struggle in, I will speak up when I am being mistreated. I rather be alone and lonely than with someone who treats me anywhere near how Boy treated me.

You want to kill a relationship with the Man of Your Dreams? Seek relationship advice from someone else about how to sustain it.

Now, I’m not against all relationship advice that others have given. Sheesh, I’ve given some of my own and for that I’d like to insert a disclaimer: Please use common sense and your intuition before taking my advice. I am no expert. I just tell it like I see it.

One day when I’m feeling brave, I will disclose the details surrounding the situation that brought me to this point, but for now, I’ll just tell you why we don’t need “Relationship Experts” to give us advice on our love life.

1. Your intuition tells you everything you need to know.

Really. You are smarter than you think. That small voice inside of you is your intuition, the Holy Spirit, your inner voice, and it will guide you if you let it. Listen to it!

2. You are the relationship expert in your own relationship.

I don’t care how much information you share about your relationship with your girlfriends; she will never understand the fullness of your relationship. One of the things I value about relationships are its sacredness, the fact that no one knows the intricate details, the inside jokes, and the blissful moments that the couple shares. Those things, if not impossible, are extremely difficult to convey to an outsider. So, before you seek advice, remember you are the Expert in the relationship.

3. You are just seeking opinions because no one knows the truth.

The thing to remember about relationships is that relationships are not a  Science. There are no hardcore instructions on how to make it work. You can follow the guide book and still not achieve the desired outcomes.

4. There are a lot of bitter jealous women out there.

My situation was confusing at times, overwhelming at others, and exhilarating all the time. I felt that I needed to seek guidance from others about how to handle it, so I asked advice from “friends.” Depending on who I asked, I got a different response!  Nothing was consistent. People had so many different perspectives and it all depended on their relationship history. Women who had fulfilling relationships with men were more likely to be supportive of my relationship. The woman who had bad relationships with men who cheated were more likely to say, “He’s lying to you. Don’t believe him.” In retrospect, I should have just followed the advice from my male friends. Their advice was very neutral, very diplomatic and provided more insight into my significant other’s behavior than any of my female friends could have. Leaving each conversation with these characters left me more confused than before.

This epiphany came to me after a heart – to – heart conversation with a guy, the Special Someone who had been in my life. I regret seeking guidance from so many bitter, opinionated, and happy-go-lucky people. Moving forward, I will be tight-lipped about my relationships. This gives me an opportunity to seek guidance from within. Don’t get me wrong, I still seek other’s opinion when I need to, but their suggestion does not serve as a guide anymore. And to any other relationship bloggers or so-called-experts, I am reading your blogs with a critical eye too. You don’t know the truth.

Whenever I like a guy, I fall hard.

I am that chick that will take a 4am phone call from Him as He’s driving home, just so He won’t fall asleep at the wheel.

I am that chick that will believe in Him when the world has turned its back on Him.

I am that chick that will drive an hour to sit with Him during His long day of study, and not without TOSTITOS in hand!

I am that chick that will find out what His interests are and find things in the Atlanta area to match it.

I am that chick that thinks the world of Him. Nope, doesn’t think His body is too big or too small. Doesn’t think He’s too nerdy. Doesn’t think He’s anything less than what He is – perfect.

I am that chick.

So when the one guy that could once light up my day with a stroke of a send button on his Blackberry stops all communication, it sends me on a downward spiral of sleepless nights, anxiety, and just pure frustration with the dating world. Someone seemingly so perfect turned his back on me.

Obviously, He wasn’t as perfect I thought. Mr. Perfect thinks the world of me. Mr. Perfect will take that 4am phone call from me as I’m driving home, just so I don’t fall asleep at the wheel. Mr. Perfect believes in me when the world has turned its back on me. Mr. Perfect will drive an hour just to sit with me during my long day of work, and not without TOSTITOS in hand.

And most importantly, Mr. Perfect would never avoid my phone calls, text messages, or e-mails. Mr. Perfect doesn’t blow me off. Mr. Perfect thinks I’m so valuable, that he seizes every opportunity to show me how much he cares. He has decided that I am the one that he’s going to make every effort to be with.

That’s my Mr. Perfect and He is who I am waiting for.

We’re all looking for our dream guy. I know I am. Once upon a time, I was waiting on Casanova, but he seems to be evading me. Finding a man who’s suave, opens the door, pulls out chairs, and refrains from cussing around me is no easy task. Nowadays, I’m not asking for much; I just need him to have the bare minimum. Even with this slight reduction in standards, the Bare Minimum Guy, he’s still hard to find. To all the fellas out there, please ask yourself the following questions before you even think about approaching me:

1. Can you open the door for me instead of letting the door slam in my face as you walk through it?
2. Can you offer to carry this heavy box up to my apartment? Haven’t you noticed that this box is practically bigger than me?
3. When you approach me at a party, can you ask me to dance instead of creeping up from behind and groping me like you are some sort of animal?
4. Can you call me when you say you’re going to call?
5. Can you not offer to take me to a strip club on our first date? (Yes, y’all. A nice young “gentleman” offered to take me to a strip club for a date.)
6. Can you actually plan the date?
7. Can you have some sort of a 5 year plan, goal, or ambition that you are actively trying to pursue?
8. Can you pick up your iPhone and call me instead of texting me a message the length of a paragraph?
9. Can you be respectful enough not to call or text me after 11pm?
10. Can you select some place other than a movie theatre for a first date? How are we going to get to know each other staring at a screen for 2 hours and stuffing our faces with popcorn?

All I’m asking is for the bare minimum, fellas. The bare minimum.

Ladies, is there anything else that you see missing from this list? Feel free to add them below in the comment section.

I am so happy for you and your new-found love. You are happier than usual, grinning from ear to ear, and you have been flaunting a side of you that I’ve never seen before. It’s beautiful! But what I wanted to talk to you about is something that has been bothering me since you and your boo started dating. Don’t kill the messenger; these are just my observations.

You consistently cancel dates with your friends. 

On Saturday we had a plan for a girls night out. You know dinner at an ethic restaurant followed by a Spoken Word Night at Apache Cafe? Our plans were set and about 2 hours before our intended meeting time, you cancelled on us. Your reason? To go out to dinner with your boyfriend. Now, I know that he’s your boo, but we had these plans arranged before he called. As a matter of fact, we were here before he was. Would he have done the same for you? Don’t think so. Most men hardly ever cancel an outing with their boys because their girlfriend called. Would you like someone doing that to you? Nope. We didn’t like it either.

You no longer share your own opinion.

You used to stay abreast on the latest news and have a strong opinion about politics and international affairs. When we spent time together, we would talk for hours about those things.  Searching for the best restaurant in town used to give you such a thrill and you would Yelp about your experiences afterwards. Nowadays, I can’t even ask your opinion about a restaurant without you expressing his opinion too. I’m sorry, I asked your opinion, not his.

You no longer have an interest in doing the things that once made you happy.

Monday night kickboxing, Tuesday night belly dancing, Wednesday night Bible study, Thursday night poetry. Girl, your weekly schedule was packed! I understand that with the presence of a man in your life, somethings would change but I’ve noticed you only do what he wants to do. In the 15 years that we’ve been friends, I never knew you to be a sports fanatic. In fact, you never followed football or even knew what teams were playing in the Superbowl.  On the rare occasions that we did find ourselves at a Superbowl party, you would be in another room playing Spades, completely oblivious to what’s happening in the game. The cool thing about being in a relationship is the opportunities you have to expand your horizons and be introduced to the things that he enjoys. But that doesn’t mean you should lose yourself in the process.

You share intimate details about your love life in public.

Flirty comments about how good your man looks in his Facebook profile pic: sweet. Calling him the name of a superhero on his Facebook status: not so much. I know we’re close, but no one wants to know the names you call each other in the bedroom; no one wants to know the type of activities you two engage in when no one is looking. And most importantly, no one wants to know when you got some. Take a hint from your man. You see how he sparingly he posts intimate details about your relationship. There’s a reason for that; follow his lead

You are now an expert on all things surrounding relationships.

Ok, so you got lucky in the Love department. But that doesn’t grant you a doctorate degree in the area of Love and how to find it. Everyone is different. Everyone is looking for something different. You may be an expert on your relationship, but that doesn’t make you an expert on mine.

Women In A Relationship, I want you to have a happy healthy relationship. Explore your own interests and be protective of your special friendship. And finally, and I say this sincerely, spare me on the I-Know-It-All-Cause-I-Snagged-A-Man attitude. It is not flattering.

I’ve written this letter in the nicest way possible, but what I really want to say was so well articulated by Jozen Cummings, writer of the blog, “Until I Get Married.” I’ll direct you to his blog to supplement my message. Please click here.

Sincerely,

Yaa Yaa

 

I love a good party. And a wedding is a grand excuse for a party.  Coral bridesmaid dresses, white wedding gown, Reggae Music, the Electric Slide, the Wobble and the Cupid Shuffle; family and friends; honeymooning in an exotic island; riding around in stretch White Cadillac Escalade with my favorite girls. All eyes on Yours Truly? (Sigh) I’ve gone to Heaven.

I believe in the institution of marriage but understand that social union involves a lot of work that I am not willing to invest. Each time I log onto Facebook, my newsfeed greets me with stories of friends tying the knot. I’m happy for them and anxiously click on their page, view all of their engagement and wedding photos, actively searching for a hints about how they met. I notice each and every detail in their pictures: wedding color scheme, the ring’s cut, the groom’s cumber bond. Everything. The couple appears ecstatic, grinning from ear to ear. But in a matter of weeks, after the couple has returned from their honeymoon. They update their status “No one told me that a marriage would be so much work!” A conversation that I initiate, “How’s married life?” ends with, a wide-mouthed response and he utters, “A lot of work. I wasn’t prepared for this.”

Marriage? A lot of Work? Oh, okay then, “no thank you.” I’m lazy and would rather be a ball with no chain, an independent woman, a free spirt. Here are my reasons why:

Marriages take years of preparation. Weddings don’t.

Marriage is the coming together of two people with personality flaws, expectations, bad experiences, hang-ups, regrets, and bad habits. Each person enters marital bliss with baggage, baggage that took a lifetime to create.  Both parties thrust their baggage upon their spouse, as if it were her spouse’s fault that she shops too much. She was a shopaholic long before their wedding day, but yet he is the scapegoat for her enormous credit card debt. Baggage was the result of bad experiences as a child and former relationships; no one acquires baggage overnight. It is the result of habits you developed as a child, as a teenager and it followed you into adulthood.

Weddings require one year of planning. That’s it. And if you’re like my highly organized friend, it could only take you one week. For a wedding, all that’s required is the dress, floral arrangements and some logistics, wedding invites and you’re done.

Marriage lasts one lifetime. Weddings last one day.

Well, let me take that back. Some weddings last a couple days, like the wedding I attended in India. But traditional American weddings  usually last one day. Marriages are usually intended to last a lifetime.  I can sense a lot of you offering the option of divorce. I acknowledge that, but I don’t really consider divorce an option when I think about marriage. Considering divorce is like planning to fail, and I’m too busy focused on success that really, I don’t contemplate failure.

Weddings are quick. You’re in. Dress up. See long lost friends. Drink and be merry. Dance til you can’t anymore and you’re done.

Chemistry fades. But marital commitments don’t.

One of my favorite things in this world are love stories. Any type. Romantic movies, romance novels, romantic songs, real life love stories, videographies – anything that conveys a story about how a couple met and fell in love. I am always amused about the life circumstances that bring a couple together: a car accident, a friend’s introduction, a random encounter at a bar. One thing that all these stories have in common is that they all start the same way. They met, felt butterflies, and had a gut feeling she/he was “The One.”  The chemistry was off the charts and it just felt “so right.” So why deny something that feels so good? The couple gets married. Weeks, months, or years into the marriage, the once happily married bride and groom begin to bicker. She used to love the fact that he was talkative, but now, after a few months of marriage, he talks too much. He used to love to wine and dine her, but now all he wants is a homecooked meal and she can’t cook. The chemistry deteriorates but those vows that the bride and groom uttered at the altar, they are still in effect.

Marriage destroys the agenda of the independent woman. Wedding doesn’t.

“Miss Independent” by Ne-yo was my mantra during the time of its release in 2008. Man, if any song could have describe me at that time, it was definitely that song. The song presented me with a bit of a conflict, however. On one hand, I wanted to be married one day, but on the other hand, I enjoyed being independent too much to be tied down. I asked my mom if you could be married and independent. She says, “it’s impossible.” She was right.

The foundation for marriage is the commitment each party has to one another. You depend on him; he depends on you. You can’t have a successful marriage and do things your way while he does things his way. If that was the case, then there would be no need for marriage. We can all stay unmarried forever. I don’t wanna give up my Miss Independent card. I want to pay my own bills, make my own decisions, and not have to consider how my decisions are going to affect someone else.

When marriages end, there is bitterness and regret. Weddings end in happiness.

Ever left a wedding angry? (Well, I have but the reason had nothing to do with the wedding itself and everything to do with a personal conflict I was dealing with at the time.) Weddings usually don’t make people angry. Weddings are joyous events; they lighten one’s spirits. They inspire people to continue searching for the love of their life. Marriages, on the other hand, end with people falling into depression; some contemplate suicide. The children are hurt, harboring resentments to parents and may experience trust issues afterwards. Just ugly. When weddings end, the situation is beautiful.

I don’t want to be married and given the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce, I’m sure a lot of you would agree with me too. Weddings are a lot more fun; a lot less work; and a lot more appealing than a lifetime of marriage. No?

Author’s Note:

For those of you take this post to heart, know that I am only being sarcastic; I am poking fun of those that spend more time preparing for a brief event rather than a lifetime commitment. Yes, I realize that you cannot have a wedding without a marriage. Yes, I do want to get married one day. Like what you’ve read? Listen to the inspiration for this post: Love, Sex, & Dating Series by Adam Stanley of Buckhead Church.

“Who wants to share bad news?” read a text message from a friend who is a hiring manager at a consulting firm. She was responding to a message where I vented my frustration with a company who failed to follow-up with me after an interview. From the way the interview unfolded and the fact that I was the perfect match for the job, I knew that (as Cher asserted in the movie “Clueless” ) “It was in the bag!”

Good point, I thought in response to my friend’s text message. Those words were never punched into my Android keypad, but her comment made me think of times where I had to be the bearer of bad news. I thought of men who had asked me on a date and I said “no.” I thought of men who had asked me to be their girlfriend, and I refused.  In fact, I realized that all my memories of me sharing bad news occurred between a member of the opposite sex and me. On numerous accounts throughout this grueling process, I’ve made connections between dating and job-seeking. Here’s how these two things are separate but similar:

1.     No one likes being rejected. And no one likes being the rejecter.

Recently, a fellow church member asked me out. He was a nice guy – considerate, funny, loved kids (especially his own) – but I wasn’t attractive to him. “Maybe if I avoid his phone calls, he’ll realize that I don’t feel the same way.” I told a girl friend via Skype video chat.

Jessica!” She blurted out, as if I had lost my mind, “Don’t do that. Just tell him you’re not interested! That’s trifling to avoid him.” She was right, and my stomach turned flips at the thought of having to tell him “no.”

The next time the guy called asking me out to a movie, I turned him down. It was a simple conversation.

Him: “Would you like to go to a movie?”

Me: “Thank you for asking. But no thank you.”

But that five-second conversation was ranked amongst the top 10 most difficult conversations I’ve had in 2011. I sensed the disappointment in his voice and I felt like a jerk. No one likes rejecters, and since employers  are people too (hard to believe, I know), they don’t like informing you that you weren’t a match for the position no matter how outstanding a candidate’s credentials.

2. You always want what you can’t have.

I move a lot. I’m semi-nomadic. I guess that’s part of the new 20something movement. About 3 out of the 7 times that I’ve moved in the last 6 years, a guy in the city that I’ve moved from will come out of the woodworks, days before my departure, to tell me how much he will miss me and how much he would like to be with me. My reaction is always the same: “You mean to tell me, that I’ve been here for [insert time here] and only now you tell me that you’d love to date me?” It aggravates me every time.

Similarly, employers will wait until I am no longer available to offer me a job. When I accepted a job offer in March 2010, my Gmail inbox became flooded with e-mails from recruiters I reached out to eons ago informing me that they had a position for me. One recruiter called me incessantly, informing me that among the 200 candidates who applied to the position, my profile was the only one that matched the job description. He even pleaded with me, asking me to consider rescinding my acceptance to the other job. (To which I responded, “No, but thanks for the offer.”)

You are more appealing to employers when you have another job; you are more appealing to the opposite sex when you’re unavailable. It’s human nature to always want what is unavailable.

3. Everyone wants to you to accept her offer.

“I like Atlanta girls cause their easy,” announced a guy I  met at the baggage carousel upon my arrival to Boston’s Logan International Airport in 2007. I guess that was his way of flirting with me? I was slightly offended and let him know that the “Atlanta girl” that he just described was not applicable to me. Men who go after women who are likely to say “yes” are far from being in a minority. My former co-worker used to brag all the time, “When I was in New York, girls were so hard. I had to perfect my skills to pick up women. But when I came to the South, my skills were up to par. And Southern girls were so easy! I like Southern girls better.”

In the same vein, employers are more likely to offer a position to a candidate who is likely to say “yes.” Before I accepted the offer from my most recent job in March 2010, the employer kept asking questions that would affirm my interest, “Are you sure you want this job? Are you willing to relocate?  Tell me why you want this job.” She wanted to make sure that when she offered me the position, I’d accept.

4. Desperation is bad.

The only thing more unattractive me than a man with a Jheri curl is a man who’s desperate. Women who are thirsty repel men too.  While hanging out with a girl friend at a Serani concert last month, we ran into one of her male friends. To be polite, she introduced me. After he expressed some interest in me, I took her aside to get the 411 on her homeboy. She told me that within the last year or so, he had not only hit on her, but five of her friends. Next! I thought. Desperation is bad.

Job hunting is frustrating at times. I am tempted to write HIRE ME in big bold letters on my LinkedIn page. I want to e-mail all my contacts with the subject that reads, PLEASE HIRE ME. A few times, I’ve drafted e-mails to former classmates that read, Your company won’t call me back, can you ask them why they won’t hire me? I never sent those e-mails because desperation is an unattractive quality.